


What I Kept Hidden

by Piano



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Guilt, M/M, Pick your "Zack Lives" headcanon or AU of choice, Post-Canon Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-30
Updated: 2019-03-30
Packaged: 2019-12-26 14:17:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18283976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piano/pseuds/Piano
Summary: In the haze of Cloud's memory, a scene emerges: Zack crying and apologizing to him. Against his better judgement, Cloud asks Zack about it himself.





	What I Kept Hidden

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little drabble based in a "Zack Comes Back to Life" AU. Just pick your favorite headcanon or fic idea where Zack comes back to life and stick it in the beginning :D

Cloud wondered if it was a side effect of Zack coming back. Memories from that time, from those months of mako-induced hell, had started coming back in bits and pieces. Cloud had assumed most of those memories, save for hearing Zack’s desperate voice telling him to run and a gentle ruffle of his hair, had been lost forever.

Then again, he had assumed Zack was gone for good as well.

Cloud would be doing something as simple as eating breakfast when, suddenly, a vision of Zack sharing a loaf of bread with him, gently opening his mouth and helping him chew, would flash before his eyes. All the one-sided conversations, ranging from cheerful and hopeful to ridiculous and silly were coming back to him. 

One memory, however, was starting to stick out amongst the rest. Cloud was pretty sure that it had been raining, though he didn’t remember the sensation of water dripping through his hair, so they must have found cover under something. A tree? No, it was in a cave somewhere because he remembered a distinct echo. Zack’s back facing him then suddenly he was crouched down next to him. Zack’s hands were...on his face? Yes, he had his hand over his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Cloud. I’m so sorry…”

Those words, broken by soft sobs that were gradually getting louder as Zack curled further into himself. Just repeating apologies over and over again with his sobs echoing off the cave walls.

Cloud didn’t understand. What was Zack sorry for? What could Zack even possibly be sorry for? Cloud scanned the hazy jigsaw puzzle of his memory and couldn’t find a possible reason.

So he went with the next best thing.

“What’s wrong, Cloud?” Zack grinned over at him from his seat at the bar and gestured at Cloud’s half-full drink in his hand. “You gonna finish that or what? You’ve been having a staring contest with your glass for about a minute now and uh, to be honest, I’m pretty sure it’s gonna win.” He added with a teasing smile.

Cloud was snapped out of his thought, glancing down at the alcohol as he absentmindedly swirled his glass. “Yeah, yeah…” He paused. Why was he hesitating? Zack was always so open and easy-going, what was the worst that could happen?  
“You know…” He started, waiting until Zack had put his glass down and turned his curious gaze towards him before he continued. “Ever since you came back I’ve started remembering more.” Cloud set his glass down, finding it much easier to stare at the worn wood of the Seventh Heaven bar than at the man next to him. “About that time.” He added, hoping that his tone was doing enough to add the meaning to that statement.

“That time…?” Zack tilted his head inquisitively but, after a moment, his eyes widened in realization. “You mean…”

Cloud nodded, circling his finger along the edge of the glass. “Back when you were dragging me all the way to Midgar”

“Hmm…” Zack leaned back in his chair, looking up at the ceiling. “I wouldn’t say ‘dragging’, I mean…there were times I carried you too.” 

Cloud snorted, which just made Zack’s grin widen in response. It was strange to joke about that time but that was just Zack, after all. Always trying to lighten the mood if he could. 

“I remember you talking to me.” Cloud shifted the conversation back to its original topic. “A lot, actually. About all sorts of things. Stuff from when you were a kid, when you were in SOLDIER...even some of the dumbs stuff you would get up to when you were a recruit.”

“Heh, well…” Zack rubbed his neck. “I always hoped that it was getting through. That it would help to keep both our minds off of, well…” Zack trailed off, causing Cloud to glance over at him in concern. When he noticed Cloud’s glance, Zack simply gave a shrug and a smile. “Everything, I guess.”

“Mm…” Cloud hummed in agreement, taking the opportunity that another sip of his drink provided him to collect his thoughts. “There’s one that sticks out as sort of weird, though.” Zack looked at him curiously. 

“Weird?”

“Yeah, we were...in a cave, I think. And it was raining outside.” Even though Cloud wasn’t looking directly at Zack, he could spot it in his peripheral vision: The sudden tenseness in Zack’s shoulders, the way that he stopped fiddling with his glass. Everything in Zack’s normal, energetic, bouncy movements had come grinding to a halt.

Cloud felt even less at ease.

“...Yeah?” Zack did his best to make his voice sound as airy as possible but Cloud could hear the underlying anxiety. 

“I remember you were...apologizing. Over and over again. And crying too, I think.”

When Cloud didn’t get an immediate response he hesitantly glanced over. Zack was looking away, off to the side so Cloud could only see the back of his head. The only indicator of Zack’s emotional state was the tight, trembling grip he had on his glass. 

The seconds ticked by.

Cloud leaned in slightly, his brows furrowed his concern. “Zack?” He asked hesitantly. 

Zack suddenly downed the rest of his drink in one fluid motion, coughing slightly after he finished it. “Ah, sorry...I don’t exactly remember. We stopped in a lotta caves and it was definitely raining a whole lot, especially at the end there.” 

Cloud still couldn’t see Zack’s face as quickly pushed his chair out from the bar, standing and moving behind Cloud in one fluid motion. “Sorry Cloud, I’m kinda beat. I’m gonna head off to bed, okay? See you tomorrow.” He gave Cloud’s shoulder a friendly pat before moving upstairs, his jog nearly breaking into a spring as he reached the stairs and disappeared in the next floor.

Cloud sat at the bar, shell-shocked. 

Zack was a terrible liar. It was part of his charm, how open and honest he was, but now it was causing Cloud to doubt his own sanity. The tremble in his hand, the way he avoided looking him straight in the eyes, the way he suddenly left: it was all too obvious. But why? Why would Zack lie about not remembering? Or maybe Zack wasn’t lying at all and it really was something he had just imagined.

Cloud sighed, his shoulders lowering as he gulped down his remaining beverage.

It wouldn’t be the first time, anyway.

As much as Cloud would have liked to forget the whole thing, his mind wouldn’t let him. The scene of Zack sobbing, crouched next to him as he apologized over and over again, kept coming back to Cloud in his dreams: each time with increasing clarity beyond the green mako haze.

Zack wasn’t doing much to increase Cloud’s confidence. He seemed jumpy, like he was doing his best not to be alone in the same room as Cloud for too long and, when he was, he would be even more chatty than usual; almost as if he was talking to avoid Cloud bringing up the subject again.

After a week of this, Cloud had had enough. Despite his hesitations and reservations, he had to know. And he had to get rid of this strange, tense energy that had popped up between them. 

Cloud had just come back from making a delivery and had come home to a scene of Zack, Marlene and Denzel in the middle of a play-fight. Marlene was hanging off Zack’s bicep, giggling and swinging her legs as she did her best to pull Zack to the ground. 

“Get him Denzel! Get him!”

“Hey now, isn’t two against one kinda unfair here!” Zack laughed as Denzel jumped from the couch and onto Zack’s back. “Oh no, now I’m done for...Oh nooooo~” Slowly Zack sank to his knees (though was obviously having no real issues carrying the two of them). “Okay, I admit it, mercy, I lose!”

Denzel grinned in triumph before noticing Cloud standing in the doorway. “Oh hey! Welcome home.”

Marlene jumped onto Zack’s back as well, chiming “Welcome home, welcome home!”

Cloud and Zack’s eyes met briefly.

Zack smiled. “Hey! That delivery had you out pretty late.”

Cloud gave a small nod in response then looked to the kids. “Sorry, Marlene. Denzel...Do you think I could talk to Zack alone for a minute?.”

“Awwwww…” Marlene whined, though obediently slid from Zack’s shoulders. “Okay, we’ll take it easy on you this time!” Marlene skipped off to find Tifa, followed by Denzel, who gave the two of them a curious look before leaving. 

“Heh, thanks for that, I kinda needed a break.” Zack stood up and stretched his shoulders. “Even after being in SOLDIER, getting tag-teamed by two kids can still wear you out.”

Cloud steadily met Zack’s gaze. “I wasn’t saying that just for show, Zack. I... really do need to talk with you.”

There it was. Again, Zack’s movements froze up but, this time, only briefly. “Ah...sure.” He smiled brightly. Only a the faintest of traces of hesitation could be seen on his face. “What’s up?”

Cloud nodded towards the door. “You don’t mind going on a walk, right?”

Zack shrugged good-naturedly. “Sure, lead the way.”

And with that the two of them stepped outside and began walking, Cloud only slightly ahead. He didn’t say anything at first and, surprisingly, neither did Zack.

It was quiet, which suited Cloud. He didn’t want to start this conversation while worrying about anyone else. 

Cloud finally stopped at a bench, one with a pretty nice view of the rest of Edge. Despite the destruction, despite Meteor, there was still some beauty in the nighttime scenery.

“So…” Zack started. He was still doing his best to seem at ease. “You just wanted to come out and appreciate the scenery? Not that I mind, but--”

“Zack.” Cloud interrupted. There was something in his voice, the seriousness of it, that made Zack stop talking and give him his full attention. Cloud leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees. Despite all his mental preparations his was having trouble starting. “You--...” Cloud shook his head and started over. “After you died, you know what happened, right? Your memories, my memories...They all got mixed up.” Cloud’s eyes were fixed on the ground but he could still feel Zack’s eyes on him. 

“I thought that I was you. I thought that I was SOLDIER and I completely forgot you, what really happened with Sephiroth. But everything seemed so real, I was sure that I was the one that rushed right in after Tifa was attacked…” He shook his head. “My mind played tricks on me, convinced me I had memories I didn’t have and took out my real ones…” 

Hesitantly, Cloud looked over at Zack. 

“And I’m sick of it. I’m sick of not knowing what’s real and what’s not, what’s an illusion and what actually happened.” Seeing the distressed expression on Zack’s face, Cloud glanced away. “That’s why I have to know, Zack. I have to know if everything from that time is real or not. I swear this is the last time I’ll bring it up...If you tell me that what I’m remembering didn’t happen then...I’ll believe you.” Cloud lowered his head. “Just...please. Tell me the truth.”

A moment of silence passed. Then another.

Then, finally, Zack let out a slow, shaky breath, his body seeming to deflate slightly as he did. “You’re right.” Zack’s voice was unusually quiet, unusually subdued. “You’re right, Cloud.” He ran a hand through his hair and suddenly broke into an unusually sad smile. “Sorry...It’s not fair. I know it’s not. After everything that’s happened, after everything you’ve been through.” He glanced over at Cloud briefly before his eyes slid back to the ground. “You don’t need me lying to you on top of it”

Cloud stared. He wasn’t used to seeing Zack like this: So defeated and so small-sounding. “You mean…”

“Yeah.” Zack laughed a bit, but it was sad and fragile. “Yeah...That happened. Your mind wasn’t playing tricks on you.”

Cloud leaned towards him. “Then why? What happened, Zack? What in Gaia could you--”

“Apologize for?” Zack stood up suddenly, taking a few steps away from Cloud and shaking his head. “You’re joking, right?” Cloud couldn’t think of a response, so Zack continued. “Back in Nibelheim, back when everything was happening...Hell, even in the labs, I didn’t have time to think about it. I couldn’t think about it…” 

Cloud didn’t dare interrupt Zack this time. The former SOLDIER exuded a desperate, almost manic energy, as thoughts that Zack had held inside for years finally began to take form outside his own head.

“But when we were on the run like that, I had time. Hell, I had more time by myself than I think I’ve ever had in my life and all those thoughts that I could just push away...Well. They got less and less easy to just ignore.” Zack began pacing in front of Cloud, his body language and tone of voice becoming increasingly agitated. “Back then...I hesitated. I had the jump on him, if only I had just gone for it instead of stopping myself, instead of giving him a chance to explain himself, even though there’s no way in hell any explanation would have justified what he did…!” 

Zack stopped pacing and his hands fell to his side.

“Back then…” Cloud’s murmured. “You mean in Nibelheim?”

Zack nodded and he clenched his fists, eyes squeezing shut in disgust. “But he...he was my friend. And I couldn’t do it...I couldn’t just stab him in the back like that.” Zack shook his head. “In the end you were able to do what I wasn’t but I--” Zack turned to Cloud, now fully showing his pained expression. “You never should’ve had to do it, Cloud...I told you to ‘Finish him off’ and look where that got you! Straight in a tube with mako eating you from the inside out!”

Zack’s breaths were becoming faster, more irratic. “It was my fault that you ended up like that, Cloud...There were so many close calls that I was sure you were gonna end up dead or back in Hojo’s lab and none of that would have happened if I had just…!” Zack’s voice broke off into a sob and he stopped, moving to cover his face with his hand. 

“...I started to think…” Zack’s voice was strained as he tried to hold back another sob. “I started to think ‘What if he never wakes up? What if I’m really never able to talk to him again?’ I just…” He was barely speaking above a whisper now. “I just...couldn’t take it.”

Cloud could feel himself trembling all over. So many conflicting thoughts and instincts were rushing through his head that he was barely able to form his next question. “...But why…” Cloud stood up. “Why did you try and hide it, Zack?”

Zack was quiet at first then, finally, let out a sigh. “Because I knew how much you looked up to me.” Cloud moved closer towards Zack, the sight of tears shining in the older man’s mako-green eyes were enough to make his heart clench painfully. “I dunno about now but...I…” He bowed his head. “I didn’t want you to see me like that. I--”

“I do look up to you, Zack. That hasn’t changed.” Cloud was standing in front of Zack now. Slowly, he reached his hands up so that they were cupping either side of Zack’s face. Zack tried to avoid his eyes at first but Cloud wasn’t having it. “And it never will.”

Zack sniffled and tears began to slowly flow down his cheeks. “But I--”

“You don’t have to be strong all the time to be you, Zack. The fact that it was so hard and you still kept going, even after everything…” Cloud shifted one hand to the back Zack’s head and gently pulled it towards his shoulder, holding it there. “You saved me. And I...never blamed you Zack. Not once.” It felt strange, echoing Aerith’s words to him. But now he understood how she felt a little better: Even though Zack felt like he had more than enough reason to blame himself, Cloud couldn’t comprehend the thought of being angry or resentful.

He only felt affection, deepened by gratitude and understanding.

Cloud closed his eyes as he felt Zack lean against him more, his body starting to shake with quiet sobs. “Cloud…” Finally, Zack wrapped his arms around Cloud and let himself truly cry: The weight of years of doubts put on display.

Cloud gently ran his hand through Zack’s hair.

Everything was all right.


End file.
